I want to thank a specific group of people; all the mates who play S/m with their partners out of love, not lust. I mean those of you who do not have S/m sexualities, but yet, in your desire for a full, healthy and enriching relationship, do it because your lover enjoys it. You are very special.

Here at La Domaine Esemar, we see a constant chain of individuals who have mates who will not explore their partner's sexuality with them. These people have often been told to bury their desires, their sexual personas. They are alone in what should be their sea of shared passions. They come here because they realize that all people have an entitlement to pursue their happiness and sexuality is part of a healthy adult's happiness. Of the hundreds who have visited, I have yet to meet a single one who does not wish that their partner would play with them. I have met many who are afraid to even mention their desires to mates they have been with for decades. Most of these people "said something years ago" and got flatly rejected or worse, they got told they were sick and at the next mention of such a terrible thing, they could expect the filing of divorce papers. Yet there are those of you who have responded, " I can do this for you. You are not terrible, I love you and will explore with you." These people may not ever find what we find in S/m sexuality, but what they do find is something to cherish: another aspect to their love.

The philosopher Santayana said: "Love is a physical drive with an ideal intent." I used to wonder how these wonderful people can share this sexuality if the physical drive of S/m is not there. I have gradually come to understand that the intent of their love is to allow their partner their own ideal and their own physical drive. In doing so, many of these giving people find a different form of physical drive and fulfillment within the S/m context. Their satisfaction is different from their partner's, but it is, nonetheless, a deeply meaning filled satisfaction. I know because I have been told this many times by the mates who play S/m simply out of a desire to share their partner's sexual interests.

This leads to another issue. What of those who have not given their mates the chance to share their S/m needs with them? We also have many visitors who feel they cannot tell their partner of their secret desires. No doubt, many of these people are correct; they know their mates well enough to be right in anticipating rejection if they were to mention what they wanted. Yet, over and over, we have met people who did not say anything for decades, and when, in desperation, they finally did speak of their needs, they found out their partner would gladly share their sexuality with them, and would have all along. I would suggest that they have not been fair to their partner. I have seen the stress this non-communication puts on an otherwise loving and balanced relationship.

So what's a lover to do? Keep their sexuality repressed inside, speak and face rejection, or secretly visit a professional establishment to get their very real needs answered? I feel the first approach is next to worthless. The only time it is at all acceptable is if you know, beyond any doubt, that you would be meet with scathing rejection. I do not mean met with a casual "oh that does not interest me". If the casual response is what you anticipate, you owe it to your relationship to be more open and honest, and you will be relating. Who knows what will follow once you are relating? The worse case scenario here is not as bad as the dishonesty of never speaking of your needs. The second solution, visiting a Dominatrix, seems more valid to me than going through life without coming to understand your own sexual being. But, in deepest respect of all those who have said, "Yes, I will try this because I love you", I want to suggest a third path: the subtle advance.

Subtlety is a wonderful thing, almost lyrical when it is used in a sexual manner. If you don't know what the response to your S/m desires will be, here is one great tool to use to find out. Silk scarves. Pull them out from under your pillow when the passion is flowing and with a soft and lust-crazed tone say something like "May I put these around your wrists" or "would you like to try tying me down?" The reason this works well is simple; silk is so non-threatening. Rope has connotations and is visually upsetting to some. However, silk scarves are soft, flowing, delicate and even gentle; all terms we usually associate with making love. I won't go into how to proceed from there, other than to say: if it works, be sure to show your appreciation afterwards and let your lover know how long you have wanted to try this, and how much it means to you that they are willing to explore this with you and how relieved you are to have this out in the open and how much you love them and etc, etc, etc.

Not all mates will respond in the hoped for manner, but in all fairness to yourself and the one you love, don't you think your lover deserves the opportunity to respond positively to your sexuality before you close it down or take it elsewhere? If you are one of the many who finds that their mate will play with them out of love and respect, you will be glad you had those silk scarves under your pillow. If you have been intuitive in picking a mate, you may find out you have a lover who shares your interest and that S/m has been a part of your mutual attraction all along. You may even find yourself with a new strength in your relationship, a strength built on a sexual respect that has been there all along. If you are the mate, I hope, should those silk scarves suddenly appear, you use your physical drive to motivate your desire to share with your lover. I hope the ideal intent will take you to new depths of meaning and whole new levels of involvement. You will be among those wonderful lovers I thanked at the beginning of this article, one of the precious many who care enough to go with their mate on one of their most important explorations. I suspect you will find the experience to build new trust, new levels of devotion into your relationship.

And what the heck…if it does not work for you, you will have some nice new silk scarves to wear. If it does work, you can wear them with a flair that says, "We care." You can wear them here, with your mate, and you will know how much your mate appreciates you, and how much we respect you.

Still later, there's this chapter...